My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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