I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
