I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
