I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
