i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
