And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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