My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
