i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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