Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
