Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
