Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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