this boner is exhausting
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
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