I look better un-naked...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
