I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
