im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
