To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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