mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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