Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
