so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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