'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
