wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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