my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
