worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
