I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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