I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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