i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
