can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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