I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
