Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
