im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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