Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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