There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
