you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
