you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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