Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
