My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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