why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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