I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
