Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
