Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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