In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
