Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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