Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
