hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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