I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
