I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Randomize
