All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
