My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
