I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
