My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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