You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
